Month: March 2017

Disability Justice, Down syndrome, Parenting

T21 and Competitive Parenting

Lauren Smith-Donohoe

I was a parent for close to 13 years before I remember experiencing the passive aggression of competitive parenting. I had my first child very young and had a handful of first-time mom friends who were also young. We had conflicts, of course, but I can’t remember us ever pitting our similarly aged children against each other. My daughter occasionally experienced a spontaneous math test or interrogation of what exactly we did all day when she was homeschooled, but never from our friends.

Once I had my second child and was introduced to the Down syndrome community, I knew that social relationships with other parents would be really different, and they are. We lost some old friends; we got closer to some old friends. We made lots of new friends. We now maintain friendships with folks whose politics and personal beliefs are far different from ours and those of our long time friends. We have ongoing friendships with people way outside our class demographics as well. These types of friendships often don’t last without some kind of a bond, and ours is that our families each have a member with Down syndrome. We may not be family to each other, but in a way, our kids are family to each other, and they have a bond we won’t ever know. It’s really great, and it’s really hard sometimes too!

I worry about navigating potentially awkward social situations with people more educated or monied than me or making an offhand remark that sparks a political discussion we are never going to agree on. I worry about having people over to my house and if it will be nice enough or if they’ll look down on us. I did not ever worry that anyone would try to put my kid up against theirs in a developmental competition, however, until those microaggressions began in my child’s first year. What really took me off guard, was that aside from one very strange cafe owner, that competition came from other parents in the Down syndrome community.

It doesn’t just happen to me, of course, I see it in online groups and among other parents. A parent of a child with T21 says something that their child is working on, and other parents respond simply by saying at what age their child picked up that skill– as if such a thing is relevant anyway, with no recognition or support for the success of the other child. Other times parents chime in with judgmental and even fear mongering advice about when to get glasses or what therapy is absolutely essential in ensuring a child’s success in such a way as to show they know more, do more, and their child is in better hands.

Here are some examples of casual competitive parenting within T21 playgroups:

  • A 17 month old with T21 is army crawling at a playdate. The mother of a different toddler with T21 whose child began walking at 15 months asks “How old is he?” with a slightly shocked tone in her voice, and follows up with pointed questions about his physical therapist and a story about how her child began walking and running because of all the specialized therapy she provided.
  • When two similarly aged children with Down syndrome are playing together and one parent demonstrates a skill their child has learned and asks, “Is your child doing this yet?”
  • A T21 parent uses social media to celebrate a new skill their child learned, while another T21 parent makes remarks exclusively about their own child’s accomplishments, perhaps even directly comparing, without so much as acknowledging the accomplishment of the child being celebrated in the post.
  • A parent seeks advice from another parent of a similarly aged child, but with the intention of using the encounter to highlight or list their child’s skill set or compare in order to “catch up” or demonstrate superior skills.

It doesn’t just happen with motor skills or communication milestones, either. There can be a one-upmanship when it comes to types of therapies, amount of therapies, extra lessons or classes, and even whether or not a parent is successful in finding an inclusive placement for their child in school. I have even seen parents self-righteously proclaiming their children as “high-functioning” to other parents. (Side note: functioning labels are really harmful to all disabled people, please don’t ever use them!)

Of course, this type of behavior exists in all areas of parenting. Even empty-nesters compare the careers of their children or grandchild counts amongst one another. Around the time I had my second child, my first child enrolled in a high-performing school populated with a large number of wealthy students whose family culture includes countless lessons, expectations of perfection in every area, and the resources to pursue that excellence. There is an unacknowledged competition amongst students and parents there too. Countless articles and blog posts demonstrate that this is a much broader cultural problem.

There are a number of specific things wrong with competitive parenting as it occurs in circles where disabled children are concerned. First and foremost, it is a microaggression against a disabled child. Children with Down syndrome are an oppressed minority group, and those claiming to be their allies should never use their energy to degrade them, regardless of how friendly and casual the conversation is made out to be. However insignificant it may seem to that parent at that moment, it is an act of violence against the child. Moreover, it’s a microaggression against their own child. When a parent pits their kid against another, it is done out of insecurity. Can you imagine being the kid whose parent always wants them to be on top? That’s an impossible and exhausting pressure, not to mention the pain of knowing your parent is insecure in your abilities.

Secondly, it’s a microaggression against a parent who is constantly advocating for their child in an ableist world. As if parents of children with Down syndrome don’t experience enough anxieties with the pity of parents to nondisabled children, the exclusion of their child in many settings, and a constant worry that they aren’t doing things the right way or providing enough supports. It is particularly hurtful to experience this treatment from a community that is supposed to offer refuge from that.

Lastly, it perpetuates the very ableist culture that rejects and excludes our children with T21. Modern western culture is achievement-oriented, competitive, and ranks children’s worth according to their abilities. We should be challenging this practice in every setting, rather than recreating it on a small scale in our own communities.

I am so lucky to get to watch dozens of babies, toddlers, and young children with Down syndrome grow up in community with my child. It is well worth jumping over the social hurdles of coming from extremely different backgrounds and perspectives to get to know these kiddos and their families (and even extended families). Some of them develop skills and hit milestones on the early side, and some on the late side. Some have ongoing medical concerns and some don’t. All of them are incredible people who bring me joy constantly. 

I would encourage parents of children with Down syndrome to work to build these types of relationships and to work extra hard not to fall into the pitfalls of modern, individualist, achievement-based parenting norms. Celebrate your child with T21 and their accomplishments! Celebrate your friend’s child with T21 and their accomplishments! Those accomplishments have nothing to do with each other except that celebrating them lifts up folks with Down syndrome while comparing those accomplishments drags all folks with T21 down. In a broader culture that does not value or acknowledge the lives and accomplishments of people with Down syndrome we can and should be celebrating constantly– whether that life or accomplishment belongs to our own child or someone in their T21 family. Your heart is big enough to love all the children in your child’s T21 circle and find joy in what they do, I promise.

Down syndrome, Parenting

Down Syndrome Diagnosis: What you Really Need to Know

Lauren Smith-Donohoe

When a new parent receives the news that their baby has Down syndrome, it is not always delivered in the best or kindest way. Sometimes, a geneticist who doesn’t have any real-life knowledge of people with Down syndrome feels an obligation to make speculations on the rest of that baby’s life when they are still in the womb or freshly born, based on outdated ideas about how disabled people live in the community. Other times, a new parent may get a very kind and compassionate diagnosis, but then turn to Google for more information and become inundated with information that may or may not be accurate, and is often overwhelming. Many hospitals still give out copies of Babies With Down Syndrome, a well-meaning book that outlines nearly every possible health complication a baby or child with Down syndrome can have, causing parents to worry unnecessarily about their new baby. Some people think medical information or information about government services is the priority after a child with Down syndrome is born, and that couldn’t be further from the truth. A baby was born! A whole new person exists in the world because someone worked to bring them here with blood, sweat, and tears.

Here’s some of the most important information your child’s geneticist may have forgotten to mention:

–There’s an impulse you can have when you have a baby with Down syndrome to spend a lot of time trying to imagine what their life will be like– what they will do, what they will look like, what will their adulthood be like, and so on. This does not happen for most parents of typically developing children at this age, nor really should it happen with anyone. Your child is a baby. They have tiny fingers and toes for kissing, sweet smells in their neck, and squishy cheeks for kissing. I bet they have the sweetest breath you’ve ever smelled. For some reason, doctors and geneticists often want to give what they perceive as an “accurate” picture of the entire life of a person with Down syndrome when they are fresh out of the womb. And just like it’s weird to do that to other kids, it’s weird to put that on new parents of a baby with Down syndrome. Often times these professionals have no experience with anyone with Down syndrome after early infancy. They may not know anything about how people with Down syndrome interact within their families, communities, or schools. They may not have any idea what opportunities exist for people with Down syndrome. They’re not qualified to give information beyond current medical statistics, and even then their delivery can leave something to be desired.

All people have strengths and weaknesses. That’s true of people with Down syndrome as well. No parent can predict what their child’s strengths and weaknesses will be, and they shouldn’t.

Enjoy the cuddles and snuggles, rest in your postpartum, don’t worry so much about anything that is going to happen beyond 6 months from now. Just like with any other kid, you can’t really know anyway. Many of the guesses you could be making might be based on stereotypes or outdated ideas. Spend your time marveling at those bitty fingernails and baby sighs and try not to invent a future for them just yet. The future has never been so bright for people with Down syndrome– let that be enough for now. This time is precious.

-It is common for children with Down syndrome to be born completely healthy. While there are health complications associated with Down syndrome, many children with Down syndrome are healthy and do not need medical intervention. Babies who do need intervention, such as surgery, generally fare very well and go on to be healthy throughout childhood and adulthood. Of course, some folks with Down syndrome have medical issues that can be ongoing, but there is a lot of parent support out there if that’s a bridge you need to cross with your child, and modern medicine has a lot to offer in the way of well-tested treatments by doctors with practiced hands.

–-There’s a lot of pressure to intervene in the infancy of a baby with Down syndrome. Early Intervention is often suggested before your head stops spinning, and people are telling you about bureaucracies you are going to have to fight and toys you should buy and exercises you should do and so on. The reality is that doing a ton of therapy, exercises, and intervention isn’t  backed up very well by clinical research. The most important thing you can do for a new baby, Down syndrome or no, is to be responsive their cues and tend to their needs. Sometimes babies with Ds have more subtle cues, so you have to pay a little closer attention, but they want the same things as all babies- to be held, to be loved, to be talked to, a baby massage, milk, clean diapers, to sleep on your shoulder, and so on. A lot of parents feel pressure to start therapy immediately or to “stimulate” their baby in some way. It’s okay to let your child just be a baby! Your job is to love them and communicate with them, and that does more than all the Early Intervention in the world ever could. Consider waiting to introduce the world of therapy to your baby, and do it slowly and purposefully when you do, looking to your child for cues about where they need support, rather than checking off the boxes a mommy blog tells you that you should or staying up all night creating a registry of specialized toys you are sure you need to buy to assure your child’s future.

There is nothing you can do that will ensure your child is exceptional. This is true for all children, but because therapy and Early Intervention exist for babies and toddlers with Down syndrome, sometimes people begin to believe that if they do enough things they can ensure their child will be a superstar of the Down syndrome world. Rather than pushing your child to be the top of the heap, focus on the ways in which they are exceptional to you. For example, how they light up when they see you, the sound of their voice, the way they melt into you when you snuggle up to watch a movie or the adorable way they hold their hands when they sign “more.” Your acceptance and approval are what will be important to your child in life, so let go of the search for approval or status with others.

-People are going to say really weird and sometimes rude things to you. This is a reflection of their hang-ups, not of you or your child. It’s okay to distance yourself from people who do this or set boundaries around how much energy you devote to educating people. Just remember to stay close to those who want to care for you and celebrate your child’s life. It can be you and your baby against the world, but it doesn’t have to be. Plus, it feels good to see other people adore your child. I promise you people will be lining up to adore your child soon enough if they aren’t already.

-Your baby is going to reach all their milestones in their own way, on their own timeline. That’s true for any baby, but for kids with Down syndrome, the spectrum can be a little wider and taller. Our culture can be really hung up on typical timelines, but the age at which a child develops a skill cannot predict anything about their future life or skills. It is simply the age at which they mastered the skill. Resist the urge to compare your child to others, even those with Down syndrome. Most children tend to focus development in specific areas for a time and switch around. Your late walking toddler may be a great communicator! Embrace a life where your baby takes the lead on their own timeline. It’s liberating to truly let go of these pressures. Celebrate the skills your child masters as they master them– you will find they are delighted to celebrate with you!

-A new person exists in the world– a beautiful baby! Congratulations! Welcome to the world! This little person is a living, breathing, miracle. There are countless possibilities for them, and for you. Your relationship with them has the potential to bring untold joy to your life and those around you who get to witness it. They will have their own, nuanced perception of the world and everything in it, and if you pay attention, they’ll share it with you.

 

Parents of children and adults with Down syndrome, what do you wish you had known when your child was diagnosed with Down syndrome? Please share in the comments!

Uncategorized

When Mothers of People with Down Syndrome Defend the “R” Word

Lauren Smith-Donohoe

Every so often, a mother to a child with Down syndrome writes a blog post explaining or defending their use of the “R” word for some reason or other. Sometimes the reason is a desire to get back to the dictionary definition of “slowing down,” other times it is because they believe their disabled child should be toughened up. Once a British mum wrote a post about how she mocks her son and calls him a ret*rd on a regular basis so he’s able to laugh at himself and not be hurt by strangers who use that word.

Usually, these moms present themselves as brave warriors, speaking out for common sense against the grain of overly sensitive, politically-correct, tender-snowflake mothers who will bash them. They may even play themselves as a victim or potential victim of backlash. Some may see themselves as engaging in a theoretical discussion by playing “devil’s advocate.” Every few months or so, there is a repetition of this phenomenon presented as a novel idea.

I tend to read these posts and their ensuing comments, under the misguided impression I will go back and argue with the points made and persuade people not to do this. The truth is, some arguments do not deserve the dignity of being refuted. I do not argue the finer points against using hate speech against racial, ethnic, or religious minorities, why should I spend my energy doing so for arguments in favor of using hate speech against people with developmental and cognitive disabilities? These arguments are ridiculous, and should not be validated in any way. I don’t argue with neo-nazis either. It’s not a debate– it’s a life or death matter. This isn’t a neutral term that can be discussed theoretically by people who are not threatened by the implications of it. It is not academic, it is not thoughtful, it is not engaging critical thinking– it is oppressive, harmful, and undermines the work self-advocates with Down syndrome and other disabilities are doing. It’s especially shameful given how difficult it is for people who are developmentally and cognitively disabled to be recognized, heard, or given a public platform.

“Ret*rd” and other hate speech against people with developmental and cognitive disabilities carries an implicit threat of violence. These are words that have historically been used to diagnose with the purpose of segregating and imprisoning disabled people where they became vulnerable to and victims of extreme physical and sexual violence, medical neglect, basic neglect, forced sterilization, and murder. Today, these words are used to continue to segregate and isolate disabled people where they become victims of harassment, restricted access to equal education, physical and sexual violence, murder, and extreme neglect. The words change from generation to generation (“idi*t,” “imb*cile,” “mor*n,” “cret*n,” “fe*ble-minded,” “ret*rded,” and most recently, “sp*cial,”) but the threat of violence and isolation remains the same. The institutions change, but the discrimination remains.

Disabled people, including and especially those with Down syndrome, have repeatedly asked that people stop using the word “ret*rd” and variations of it. They ask locally, giving talks at schools. They ask publicly, making PSAs, and giving speeches. This alone is reason enough that people should stop using it, and yet mothers of children with Down syndrome think it’s okay for them to speak over their children’s peers and community. This is unacceptable. Our children who have Down syndrome are ours, certainly, but they also belong to the disability community and their community of peers with Down syndrome. Out of basic decency, it should be a part of our parental praxis to connect them to their Down syndrome community, and to use the language and terms people with Down syndrome themselves find the most acceptable. Our job as parents of people with Down syndrome is to elevate their status by respecting them and their ideas and autonomy. We should be signal boosting their work, not undermining it.

With every generation, the hatred and discrimination against developmentally and cognitively disabled people turns a medical term into a euphemism, and then a dysphemism, and finally a slur. We have to keep shifting our language as medical terms for disabled people become hate slurs because the hatred of disabled people is not going away. The words’ meanings haven’t changed. The list of medical terms turned slur (“idi*t,” “imb*cile,” “mor*n,” “cret*n,” “fe*ble-minded,” “ret*rded,” and most recently, “sp*cial,”) are still used to essentially mean “ret*rd” in the derogatory sense because being seen as intellectually inferior is still about the worst way a person can be perceived in society. Moreover, it is used as a basis to deny people basic human rights, respect, and dignity.

It’s time all parents of disabled children prioritize combating the societal hate and exclusion of their children over their “right” to use hate speech casually because they feel close to the issue. The “dictionary definition” of “ret*rded” wasn’t something that was taken from you, it is a violence done to a group of people more vulnerable than you. It is not brave for nondisabled people to take this stance, just as it is not brave for white parents who adopt children of color to casually use racial epithets because of their “dictionary definition” or to teach their children that “words are just words.” Words are not just words. They are communication, and hate speech communicates violence. Let me repeat that for those in the back: hate speech communicates violence.

 

[Author’s note: I will not repost any of the articles I have seen defending the use of this word. They do not need to be given air time. I will give no platform to hate speech on my blog. I will, however, keep adding links to self-advocates talking about the “R” word as I find them.]